Bottom line

...is I am making a change and overcoming whatever this is. My way every day. What exactly is my way? Reading. Studying. Practicum. Trial and error. fall. UP again.
Repeat. I usually give it me best and it never appears like enough to me.

I descredit myself easily. I expect more. From everything. I run so high and then I fall real low. This is where I am now. Only this time it is different. It is always different. Though I experience the same patterns: Weight gain, ear infections, vertigo, pcos, endo., ...and - look at that no diabetes or high blood pressure on my list. But wait the doc said I am a diabetic. A diabetic controlled with diet and exercise --> N : BUT MY NUMBERS ARE NORMAL. LIKE FOR NORMAL PEOPLE.
DR: ONCE A DIABETIC ALWAYS A DIABETIC. THAT IS WHAT I HAVE TO TELL YOU AS A DR. N: well I don't hear you!  I'm not taking on the label. I am not owning that. But I will keep eating healthy and exercising. SO I SHALL.

Vertigo is still ongoing and my stability is improving. Or so I tell myself. I take this day by day with optimism. I get over joyed with progress and then seem to relapse. Conventional medicine leads me from one Dr to another. Eastern medicine seems to be helping the most. I am still not completely comfortable with sharing the ins and outs of how I feel daily. I am hesitant much like I am about moving. I like to fill my head with positive thoughts so I often don't share how I truly feel until I can't take it anymore. I'm trying not to struggle while struggling all the way. I am persistent. 

I am open to positive changes in my journey towards a healthy me.

Remain Coachable

Me waiting for my driver on 10/09.
First Selfie I have taken in awhile.
I can face me again.

I can feel my rolls of fat in certain places again. I reverted to binge eating patterns.  I identified them. I am working through these patterns. I was diligent about conscious eating since the beginning of photo challenge. I had a relapse last Wednesday after feeling a high level of frustration and depression. 

I was angry at myself for reverting to old habits. I was angry at myself for being in this constant cycle of vertigo. I was angry at my body. I felt a deep level of shame. I did not allow myself to accept the changes I have been experiencing. The limitations I feel are quite daunting for me. I am releasing all of these negative emotions and negative ways of thinking.

Today I woke up and gave myself a pep talk today : Don't be ashamed. You are doing the best you can daily. It may not seem like enough to others and none of that matters. You are doing this for you.

Happy is a state of mind.

I remind myself: Everything happens for a reason. I am well. It will all work out. I remain
focused on all the things I can do to improve matters.
I no longer focus on the things I cannot change. One step at a time. 

I embrace my rolls. I embrace my soul.