hiatus

It's not because I'm less comitted or because the goal has fallen out of existence. It is simply because I have too much school work and work work. I will soon be done with projects and continue with my 4 times a week postings.

Hooray!

let's get down!

Image from handsonblog

It's finally coming off again! If you recall, I gained during Easter but I'm on my way down again. I weighed in at 264.7 lbs. today. So I'm 4lbs. down from my Easter gain and 1.3 lbs. down from my blog start weight.

My May excercise goal is shot since I haven't done my regular 5 days a week for several weeks now. My 2 mile walks help and allow me to feel good (distress). I do the best I can every day and I don't let guilt get the best of me when I don't have the time.

Listen to the song that gets me walking on YouTube The Ting Tings, We walk .

I don't like to hear it.

Two Fat Ladies, Jennifer Paterson and Clarissa Dickson Wright



I was following my normal routine this morning. Get up, bathroom, turn on radio AND then I hear "fat friends are bad because they make you fat". Just what I wanted to hear first thing in the morning. It kind of hit a nerve but I kept on listening. They started talking about a study about obesity and how obese friends make skinny friends obese. The link to an article about the study is here.

I don't like to hear it. I simply hate it. Why? because it makes me feel like I'm damaged goods. My husband and I are the only "fat friends" in our circle but sometimes I question the activities we're invited to and which ones we hold back on. There may be some truth to it but it's also sounds like a correlation study (not conclusive) so there may be more negative stigma for fat people over something the media doesn't fully explain. In the end, I know a real friend will be there whether I'm fat or not. I also know I'm working on it and enjoy the company of my good friends while doing it. I just wish the media would get all of the facts about a study and explain it fully to the public so people on the radio wouldn't talk about it in such a nasty way. 

Time.

There is no point in me blaming it on time. I'm stressed and the lack of activity is taking a toll on my body.
Just thought I would note it and see if it would make a dif on my thinking process.

BUT I AM.

i AM really tired. It's Thursday and I have yet to work out a single day this week. My umph to work out is out the door as soon as I get home. I say I will get moving but after a long day at work and then doing some homework I'm tired. I zonk out on the couch.

My solution. I don't have one. All I know is I am over being this tired yet I'm ready for a nap. I just don't get it. Let me jump up and at least walk in place. See if you want to do it with me!


Real Age Videos_Leslie Sanson_Walk at Home Part 1

Real Age Videos_Leslie Sanson_Walk at Home Part 2

Hunger.

Photo by: Hill Creek Pictures/Getty Images

One of the tools that have helped me loose the weight is "listening" to my body. I learned this through reading several books about hunger and how it links to emotional eating, (the lack of hunger vs. actual hunger). It was very hard at first because it was a complete new concept and I did not completely trust myself. Then I found the guilt associated with certain foods was HUGE and I thought I could not allow myself to eat certain things because I would eat them even more to numb my feelings and thoughts. After about a year of listening to my body I saw a noticeable difference in my body, felt a difference in my thinking patterns and in my behavior. I allowed myself to eat what my body wanted including the occasional fast food burger, sweets, cakes and all of my faves with no guilt. The way I associated with food was different and I was loosing weight while doing it.

A week ago I was asked to keep a food journal and it's as though a wrench was thrown in my thought process. BAMN! I went WILD with a chili cheese burger and chili cheese fries. I, for the first time in a year, ATE the WHOLE THING! My body said no, by stomach was full but I kept on going. I felt GUILT, HUGE GUILT and the feeling deepend when I wrote it down in the so called food journal. Then I spiraled and wanted more and more bad foods. The negative self talk was so LARGE I continued to eat to numb myself and stop the noise. All of a sudden my positive self-talk and changed attitude went out the---forget the window--the county! I reached an all time low because the changed person I had been dealing with for the past year was all of a sudden not there--not in front of me. I could not even face myself when brushing my teeth in the mirror. I felt as though I had betrayed myself and once again I could not be trusted.

Yesterday was different. It was the day I didn't experience hunger. It was a fast paced work day and then I had to rush to school. It was a stressful day and instead of rushing to get the fast food or a high calorie chocolate bar, I waited it out ---yes I realize I went to the other side of the spectrum when it was 7:45PM and my only meal of the day was at 10:30AM--- not a good habit. However, for the first time in my life I understood people who have said they can't eat when they are stressed or busy. This is because I didn't emotionally reach for my snickers, Carl's Jr Burger or wathchamacallit. I was busy, stressed, worried but simply not hungry. I waited it out and at 8:30pm I had wild rice, grilled chicken and salad in the comfort of my own home. In my kitchen I was thinking salad never tasted so good. My body wanted salad and the GUILT of being human dissipated and the wrench in my thought process was gone. I once again felt in control of me, my body and felt how much I truly love me.

was it just me?

 

I still can't believe I performed this song in class all by myself yesterday. I thought we were all dancing to the song and I was intensely doing my cat walk, cat crawl, cowgirl, lady and lazy bunny. What does that mean?!? I was rolling on the floor, kicking my legs up in the air, rolling my hips, spinning--well trying to spin--on the pole and everyone was watching...ME! One girl hit her leg so hard she couldn't move and the other girl forgot the routine so it was just me. I was so into it I didn't even notice until it was over!  The instructor loved it when I asked, "was it just me?". I imagine it being one of those movie moments where the film was rolling and it  was just me. Okay, okay, it got to my head! lol

Really though. It was a breakthrough, the entire time I danced I felt confident, sensual, womanly but most of all I felt comfortable in my body. No matter the size not matter the pounds for that instant I was just being openly and lovingly me. A feeling I hadn't had for years! I can say I love pole as my form of fitness. It motivates me to work out during the week and has made me, oh so very comfortable with myself. <smile>