Bottom line

...is I am making a change and overcoming whatever this is. My way every day. What exactly is my way? Reading. Studying. Practicum. Trial and error. fall. UP again.
Repeat. I usually give it me best and it never appears like enough to me.

I descredit myself easily. I expect more. From everything. I run so high and then I fall real low. This is where I am now. Only this time it is different. It is always different. Though I experience the same patterns: Weight gain, ear infections, vertigo, pcos, endo., ...and - look at that no diabetes or high blood pressure on my list. But wait the doc said I am a diabetic. A diabetic controlled with diet and exercise --> N : BUT MY NUMBERS ARE NORMAL. LIKE FOR NORMAL PEOPLE.
DR: ONCE A DIABETIC ALWAYS A DIABETIC. THAT IS WHAT I HAVE TO TELL YOU AS A DR. N: well I don't hear you!  I'm not taking on the label. I am not owning that. But I will keep eating healthy and exercising. SO I SHALL.

Vertigo is still ongoing and my stability is improving. Or so I tell myself. I take this day by day with optimism. I get over joyed with progress and then seem to relapse. Conventional medicine leads me from one Dr to another. Eastern medicine seems to be helping the most. I am still not completely comfortable with sharing the ins and outs of how I feel daily. I am hesitant much like I am about moving. I like to fill my head with positive thoughts so I often don't share how I truly feel until I can't take it anymore. I'm trying not to struggle while struggling all the way. I am persistent. 

I am open to positive changes in my journey towards a healthy me.

Remain Coachable

Me waiting for my driver on 10/09.
First Selfie I have taken in awhile.
I can face me again.

I can feel my rolls of fat in certain places again. I reverted to binge eating patterns.  I identified them. I am working through these patterns. I was diligent about conscious eating since the beginning of photo challenge. I had a relapse last Wednesday after feeling a high level of frustration and depression. 

I was angry at myself for reverting to old habits. I was angry at myself for being in this constant cycle of vertigo. I was angry at my body. I felt a deep level of shame. I did not allow myself to accept the changes I have been experiencing. The limitations I feel are quite daunting for me. I am releasing all of these negative emotions and negative ways of thinking.

Today I woke up and gave myself a pep talk today : Don't be ashamed. You are doing the best you can daily. It may not seem like enough to others and none of that matters. You are doing this for you.

Happy is a state of mind.

I remind myself: Everything happens for a reason. I am well. It will all work out. I remain
focused on all the things I can do to improve matters.
I no longer focus on the things I cannot change. One step at a time. 

I embrace my rolls. I embrace my soul. 

Reset

Meals. I just realized I only had one meal today. Ooooops.

4oz carne asada, nopales, beans, and 2 corn tortillas. Guacamole. Tortilla chips. Salsa. Flan.

One big meal. I was busy in the morning with meetings.  Then I went to lunch and went to see the acupuncturist. This is not the norm for me. It was that type of day.

Keep going!

Meal Monday

Breakfast:

Oatmeal, chia Seeds, almonds, dried cherries and 1/4 packet of splenda.

Lunch:

Kale, raisins,avocado, dried garbanzo with a vinaigrette.

Dinner:
Bk chicken sandwich, fries and Dr pepper.

Almost made the day! It was a gross meal but after attempting to make dinner and getting dizzy halfway through. I stopped and was okay with whatever landed.

I start again with my next meal. I remind myself those foods do not nurture or satisfy me. I deserve and want better.

Remaining Coachable

Today was a tough day.  This week was a tough week. This month was a tough month. The last season was a tough season. It is like my vertigo... circle after big circle filled with sensations of spinning. And even so...it is all good because even though my vertigo continues to be at on all time high. Life is good.

I've gone to 4 Dr. Visits in the last month. Today's visit was a lab results review. I was expecting them to tell me I needed diabetes meds, blood pressure meds, cholesterol... the works!
Instead...I'm told they are better than before.

Great! So the dizzys are just going to have a different cause....the fear of illness coming back diminished. 

Now I sit patiently... for resolution.  I'm getting through this one way or another.
I remain coachable to life's lessons.

Renew

I created the #kikiworksphotochallenge in order to get back on track. I invisioned people posting pics that would help motivate and inspire. I stated it was a movement of solidarity to get me back on track. I viewed it as my way of digging me out of an old pattern I saw brewing.

People joined...some held on and by day 13 there was only me. ME. The source of my journey. The source of my growth. The old me would be upset because they left me hanging. The new me understands everyone is doing there best in life. The new me also finds it perfect.

Why? It was the 13th day of the #kikiworksphotochallenge my lucky number; a guide of sorts that it all happens a certain way for a reason. To shed light on the obvious. It is up to me and only me to make the change. To take ownership of my journey. Which alighned with the plans and convos I had yesterday.

Yesterday Eden from befreeology.com came over for an in home meal consultation. She did a pantry check, I passed, and we talked frig talk. We got to the nitty gritty and I openly discussed my bad and good eating habits. We set up a grocery list and I stocked my new frig with nothing but good foods.

The 14 day workout plan I created 2 weeks ago, was of course, a bit much for me. I gave my workout weeks the best I could. I fell short of my weekly goals. So I also created a more realistic goal for the next two weeks with Eden yesterday.
-->3 days on the stationary bike for at least 5 miles and 2 sets of resistance bands circuits.
--> 4 sessions of yoga (@ least 20 min each)
-->1 callenetics session (i added this today)

I will stick to the 14 day model for now.

I'm heading out to a party today. Pushing myself out the door because it is important I stay connected. My attitude about food is different and I will be practicing concious eating again.

I thank you for reading my journey. I wish you much joy in all you do. Have a wonderful Sunday beautiful.

Changes

I am having a photo challenge on IG. Its been a lot of fun.  It makes me smile for several obvious reasons. I also love to see everyone's takes and journey. Without judgement and with pure joy.

If you want to join follow me on IG @kikiworks_2werkit - follow the details below.