Seeing my mother in a deep state of hurt, depression and fear drew more emotional pain and a deep sense of helplessness. She also wanted to keep the separation from family and this muted us all. The shame she tied to it made it harder and the inability to discuss it with anyone stripped us of self-expression. I also didn’t share with many friends since she said, “don’t tell anyone in case he comes back”. I knew the probability of this was low, very low. I didn’t fight her because part of me, while being angry and hurt, wanted to believe “daddy” could repent, change and come back. My mothers state of denial soon became mine. I focused on food. I ate my thoughts and pain away only to find more deep inside. I didn’t work out, I didn’t blog, I didn’t diet. Instead I went back to “my friends” sugar and carbs. Turkey dinner orders at restaurants became a regular meal and multiple chocolate bars in one sitting became the norm. I sometimes thought about it and felt bad. The guilt of overeating would sometimes rise but the numbing of emotions caused by food felt better. The feeling of being 9 years old and being soothed by food came back. I was simply okay.
Until one day I looked down and my stomach looked larger. I weighed myself and I was not surprised to find I had a 12 pound gain. In three weeks – from the time I got out of school to the first time I got on a scale – I gained 12 pounds! I could not stay quiet anymore. I could not continue to sulk. I had to start to voice how I felt. I had to share. I was eating away because of the lies and secrets. I thought NO MORE, lets express the truth and let our soul run free. In the end, life continues whether he’s in it or not. Life goes on. I spoke to my mother and told her about the impacts of their separation and how I thought not being able to discuss it was the source of my 12 pound gain. We as a family could not continue to live in lies. She played hard ball but she finally agreed to talk about it with aunts and extended family. The cover-ups and lies of his whereabouts became a thing of the past. The simple act of saying the truth lifted something off of my shoulders and took the food out of my hands.
This week I started to do “half-portions” again. This week I’ve stopped myself when I’ve gone to far. But most importantly this week I gained control. Yes, they are still fighting over things. Yes, it’s still stressful. But now I can talk about it, I can say how I feel and I don’t have to stuff food down my mouth to soothe the pain and to keep my mouth shut. I am once again free. Free from having to use food.
current weight: 275 lb.
lowest weight was: 263 lbs.
