June 2015
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Elaine.
My Reminder.
This months inspirational feature is different. The featured person is someone who is no longer with us but deserves a special homage for the ways she inspired me. Elaine was my boss. She was not liked by many and many feared her. I on the other hand, had no friction with Elaine. I understood why it was difficult for others to relate or interact with her. I chose to make my life easy and instead find ways I could relate to her.
She was a self-taught Assistant Vice-President. She had climbed the corporate ladder with plenty of hard work and self-taught knowledge. There was no doubt she was intelligent. She was a vegetarian who committed to a certain type of diet based on an aunt passing at a young age from colon cancer. She was not the healthiest vegetarian and she figured it out a few years before her 40th birthday. She started to make changes and lost approx. 60-80 lbs. She often encouraged me to join her and I would sometimes reluctantly do the stairs with her. I would at times imitate her meals. I am clear now it was not my time. I was not mentally ready because I had a "block".
I soon found out Elaine had that same "block" but she worked with it. She too was a survivor of sexual abuse as a child and adolescent. She was not shy about her past and had no problem speaking about her abuser and therapy she endured. At times I would hear people in the office say, "oh it all makes sense". A stigma I feared and had no courage to speak out about. I once shared my "shameful" past with her. I shared how it stopped me and how it was the root of so much fear. She shared she had the same fears and figured out she had not lost weight because of the fear. Elaine and her words stuck with me. She said, "It is time to loose weight. I am doing this because they took my childhood away but they will not take my adulthood too". I clearly remember the look in her eyes; the hurt, the pain but most of all the determination to live life fully. She continued to provide knowledge about healthy eating, career development and the importance of an education . She inspired me with her drive to keep going no matter what was in the horizon.
Elaine lived for a couple years after her weight loss victory. She unfortunately was diagnosed with cancer and lost her battle about 11 months after diagnosis. It was hard for me during the last 6-8 months of her life. I wrote her regularly and our frequent home calls and visits became infrequent as her health deteriorated. I still remember the look in her eyes, telling me she was not giving up a couple months before she passed. While I shared much with her I do not think she knew how much I cared. I never got the opportunity to thank her for planting the seed. Her statement, "I am doing this because they took my childhood away but they will not take my adulthood too", is one that has stuck with me in a lot of what I do.
I enrolled in school the Spring Elaine was diagnosed. When I went back to school afraid of being in a classroom, of meeting strangers, of walking late at night...I thought about her. When she passed in the following Winter, I wanted to quit but remembered her determination and strong spirit. As soon as I graduated I knew it was time to take my first steps towards weight loss. I started slowly and when I took my first steps on the park track afraid of the strangers around me... I thought about her. Today as I sit here with a knot in my stomach about shedding the next hundred pounds, well I think about her. While I may have triggers; I do not have that same type of fear. I no longer carry that shame about my past. I have allowed forgiveness to take over my heart and, I live each day fully. Openly and Lovingly.
Thank you Elaine. Thank you for contributing so much to my life. For creating a platform where I learn to love myself for who I am regardless of my past. For creating a safe haven where my past was not shameful. Most of all for making me focus on the present instead of what happened in my past. May you rest in peace Elainey.
